When Perimenopause Wrecks Your Relationships

Let’s talk about something most people don’t really warn you about — the way perimenopause can throw a wrecking ball through your relationships. Not because you’ve suddenly turned into a different person, but because the hormonal shifts in your body do change how you feel, how you think, how you respond to the world — and how much of your usual high-performer energy you can consistently produce. And if the people around you aren’t tuned in, don’t have your best interests at heart, don’t know how to meet your changes with compassion, or can’t support the new version of you that’s emerging — things can get rocky.

One big reason so many marriages, long-term relationships, and even work dynamics unravel during menopause is because our entire society — families, workplaces, romantic partnerships — is built around a version of you that’s been producing, organizing, caring for everyone, coordinating everything. You’re the glue. High functioning. Goal-oriented. Holding space for everyone else. It’s exhausting — but when you’re younger, you don’t realize that’s why you have the stamina to do it all.

When I entered perimenopause, I was a single mom working full time at a high-pressure tech job. I was utterly naïve and totally unprepared for what the hormonal drop would do to me. It started with extreme night sweats, insomnia, and anxiety — all completely new symptoms. I had always slept like a rock, even during important school exams, and when rising to meet high pressure work responsibilities. But when I met the wave of symptoms crashing over me, I didn’t recognize what was bringing on the insomnia, anxiety, and what felt like a surge of irrational anger after a specific migraine event. I described this to a neurologist for insights and revised treatment, realizing it felt like it was hormone-related, since my migraines had begun at puberty with my change in hormones. But, he dismissed me and told me to see a psychiatrist. In hindsight, if he had simply said, “This could be perimenopause,” I might have found clarity and support instead of confusion and self-doubt.

My boyfriend of 4 years at the time, who experienced that migraine panic attack with me, left without a shred of curiosity about why my behavior had changed so dramatically, overnight. I did see a psychiatrist, but it took many years after that to check my hormones. I was put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I cycled through prescriptions for sleep and mood swings — none of them helped. It was devastating. Isolating. I day dream still of what it would have been like had I been surrounded with the support I truly needed.

Then came the sudden word loss. Memory glitches. Where I had always trusted and relied upon my vast catalogue of rapid fire responses, I now shifted into needing to sleep on it. And this created a need to reinvent my entire approach to my daily professional life. It was an unignorable turning point. I’ll go deeper into the need to realistically reset your professional habits and relationships in another post.

Here’s what women need to know: when hormones shift — especially estrogen and progesterone — that familiar, reliable version of you might start to fade. The stuff that used to roll off your back? Suddenly overwhelming. The things you used to ignore or tolerate? Now they hit harder. You might want to speak up more. Or you may need more quiet time to unwind. Or cry sometimes. Or just… not show up as consistently as you did before.

And that’s not you being broken. That’s your nervous system, your brain chemistry, your inner compass saying: It’s time to re-evaluate. But if your partner, your boss, your kids — even your friends — aren’t built for that level of change and reflection, you might find yourself out on a limb. Alone.

The hardest part? Many women start to feel like they’re “too much” or “not enough.” Too emotional. Too flaky. Not productive. Too moody. Not fun anymore. But you’re not failing — even though it is nearly impossible to tell yourself that — you’re evolving. And you need to surround yourself with support to get you through it. You really need to evaluate early and often whether you are spending time in relationships that can evolve with you. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself isolated, spinning out in anxiety loops, and suffering alone.

Menopause isn’t just physical. It’s emotional. Psychological. Relational. It forces you to look around and ask: Who really sees me? Who gets it? Who’s still here when I’m not operating at 110%?

Eventually, for me, I started to see the structures and people I needed to lean on were not there. That’s the work of perimenopause to shift into self-aware, self-care mode by surrounding yourself with a network who support your changes and can flex with your new needs and bounds. Who are curious, not critical. Who value your being more than your doing. Spend time around loved ones who don’t flinch when you shift gears or take up new space in your own life.

So no, you’re not crazy. And no, you’re not alone. If it feels like your relationships are changing — it’s because they are. But so are you. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It might be the start of something more honest, more supportive, more real.

You have to become loyal, dedicated, and dependable for yourself in a brand-new way, and hold space so you can emerge as a graceful butterfly, rather than a lonely and battle-scarred empty nester or cat lady. Now post-menopause, I can feel I am oh so close to the butterfly stage!